Thoughts on “Indian Matchmaking” on Netflix
Hi All! Before I start this post I want to fully acknowledge that I haven’t yet watched the show. What I have been inspired by is the conversation surrounding arranged marriage experiences in the modern day. I will be straight forward in saying that I have had a very liberal experience with love and marriage, but while it has been less conservative it definitely was not much easier. Love, dating, and marriage are extremely difficult no matter how old you are, how much money you make, or how you look. The conversations about casteism, colorism, and fatphobia are very prevalent for those looking for a partner in today’s day and age. My peers and I have had experiences of being very harshly judged by our weight, our complexion, or even our education! While we know that not all Indian homes are like this, most non-Indians don’t know that. It is why I feel like shows like this take us ten steps back in terms of representation. I fully acknowledge censorship is not the answer, I only wish for more representation to be available that does not affirm the same stereotypes of Indian families. Some families still hold on to thoughts that I feel are outdated but may be the standard for their family. I think a lot of single men and women are made to feel like there is a ranking system on who you are and who you “deserve” when in reality everyone has their own pros and cons that can’t be ranked.
The idea of arranged marriage comes from a fairly logical place in my mind. My parents have dealt with me for 26 years, it would only make sense that they would know the type of person that makes sense for me even more than myself sometimes! Additionally, my parents have also been married for quite some time so they would know what kind of partner could endure the trials and tribulations of marriage with me. They are aware of my strengths and weaknesses and could evaluate whether or not the other person is complimentary to my personality type. At the end of the day the decision is in my hands but they are there to serve as advisors in an incredibly life changing decision. They are of the few people on Earth that would put my own interests above their own. However, the idea of arranged marriage has been convoluted into a hierarchy where now people seek to get the best of the best, regardless of whether that person is complimentary to the person pursuing the relationship.
Very recently, a friend and I had a conversation about how someone’s significant other is being used as an evaluation on a person’s success in life. We often have this idea that we “deserve” everything we put out into the world. In reality, the person that you end up with has nothing to do with your “good” or “bad” qualities. We are searching for (often superficial) qualities that make us feel like if we end up with that “perfect” person we have “won” in life. It is a lot of pressure to place on another person. I would not want the burden of being the representation of my significant others’ success. The idea that a man or woman needs to be good looking, well educated, or financially secure in order to be a good partner is evaluated by society’s version of success. In my experience as a woman I am meant to feel like a failure for factors that are beyond my control. For several people, being too tall or too short, a year older or younger than their partner, or “too educated” are automatic taboos. Looks, money, or ability to produce children have no impact on your ability to be a dedicated and stable partner. In a very typical version of an Indian stereotype, the mother of the groom is never satisfied or pleased with the potential brides. This is largely because no woman will be able to be the adequate representation of her son’s abilities/accomplishments. It may never matter have anything to do with what the son wanted in the first place.
In a world that turns everything into a commodity, relationships have become a simple object for sale. I had a fairly decent experience with meeting people through family and friends in a semi-arranged setting but there were so many other factors that got in the way. When you pursue this route, everyone and their mothers is involved right away. As soon as you hang up the phone everyone wants to know an answer, and if it is a “no” it often feels like a hyper pressurized situation. People want a reason as to why you are rejecting someone and it can’t be “because we didn’t click”. Often times the blame gets put back on the girl for not being a suitable candidate. This isn’t representative of the entire population but it is something that happens frequently. I had a good friend tell me once “Don’t let too many people know which matches you’ve spoken to, if you reject too many you’ll get a bad name. It doesn’t matter if the guy never called you in the first place people will just know that it didn’t work out and likely they’ll attribute that to you.” It was a painful pill to swallow so I proceeded to just try to get by the best way I could. This experience makes people want to change who they are in a meeting so that they can get the misery over with and finally give their families some good news. They want so badly to find someone to say yes so they can finally say “I did it! I am successful, I found someone!”
The bottom line is that your significant other is not the representation of your success in the world. Only you can be that person, it has nothing to do with the person that stands beside you. A person that society deems “average” could make the most wonderful partner for you. It has nothing to do with a ranking on skin color or average salary and everything to do with their value system and personality traits. It is ok to have filters in this process, those filters should just make sense.
